


With wishes, desires and dreams

by faintingviolet



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Developing Relationship, Domestic Boyfriends, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentioned Christopher Diaz, Post-Canon, Romantic Gestures, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:00:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26806999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faintingviolet/pseuds/faintingviolet
Summary: Buck was pissed off.He had made it over a year without an overnight at the hospital. For most people that was easily accomplished, they were a patient in the hospital maybe two or three times in their lives. Buck had made his peace with the increased likelihood of injury when he first joined the 118. But that didn’t make being the one in the hospital bed, the one recovering from the latest injury, the one who couldn’t take care of himself, the one who needed help, any easier.  Or explain why it was always, always him.But mostly he was pissed off because life had just been getting good, getting interesting, and now....
Relationships: Eddie Diaz & Isabel Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Isabel Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 154





	1. Chapter 1

Eddie was relieved.

They were leaving the hospital, again. Eddie preferred leaving together to leaving Buck in a hospital room another night. It wasn’t a stretch to say he was tired of knowing the night nurse’s names and schedules, recognizing the particular hum of the soda machine at the end of the hall that Buck always seemed to be assigned, or pushing Buck in a wheelchair out of the hospital.

Eddie knew he should be thankful. He _knew_ that they were lucky to have the kind of support they did, that beyond his bad luck Buck was incredibly healthy and would make a full, if slightly slow, recovery. That it could have been so much worse. That it had been so much worse before.

And he _was_ thankful. But he was also deeply, deeply relieved. They were going home, and he could worry about the rest later. For now, all he had to worry about was caring for Buck for the next week.

Buck was pissed off.

He had made it over a year without an overnight at the hospital. For most people that was easily accomplished, they were a patient in the hospital maybe two or three times in their lives. Buck had made his peace with the increased likelihood of injury when he first joined the 118. But that didn’t make being the one in the hospital bed, the one recovering from the latest injury, the one who couldn’t take care of himself, the one who needed help, any easier. Or explain why it was always, always _him_.

But mostly he was pissed off because life had just been getting _good_ , getting _interesting_ , and now…

Buck looked across the truck at Eddie, soaking in the sight of his boyfriend’s profile, treasuring this normal moment. If it wasn’t for the cast on his leg and the things they had quickly packed up from his apartment in the back of the truck, this could have been the same drive they had taken to Eddie’s house after shift probably a hundred times over the years. Or better yet the one three weeks ago where they made out in the truck before going inside – the beginnings of their new, _very interesting_ , normal. They were instead headed for a version of normal that he had never wanted to experience again.

Isabel Diaz heard the truck pull in, took a quick look out the kitchen window to confirm it was Eddie’s, and called Christopher in from the other room. She was nervous for her grandson, and what he intended to take on, but she also wasn’t going to let him do things exactly the way he wanted to. He only thought he won the conversation from two nights before.

“Abuela, we’re back.” Eddie’s voice rang out down the entryway.

Isabel stood in the kitchen doorway, keeping Christopher behind her. Smiling at Eddie quickly, her eyes landing and staying on Buck, who kept his own eyes downturned, carefully watching the floor as he worked down the hallway on his crutches. She thought back to two years ago when last she saw Buck walk in this house on crutches and saw the new layer of exhaustion he wore and felt her commitment to help crystallize.

“Buck, love, why don’t you go to the couch, I’ll bring in dinner once Eddie gets you settled?” she continued watching him, willing him to lift his eyes to hers. He had been asleep on the day she went to visit at the hospital, and she wanted to take stock of him with her own eyes, to see how he really was, because she didn’t like what she was seeing.

“Abuela, thank you, but I’m not really hungry.” Buck made quick eye contact and Isabel saw how empty they looked, how the great depths of energy and happiness they usually held were noticeably missing, as if they had never been there at all.

“Then I’ll make a small plate” she answered resolutely. She let Christopher follow his father and Buck to the other room, to show them the supplies he’d gathered specifically for Buck to be able to get comfortable.

She was even more convinced her plan was for the best as she watched them walk away from her, this unit of three looking perhaps the least like themselves she had ever seen.

The four of them ate a light dinner, no one except Christopher feeling particularly hungry, and tried to have as normal an evening as possible, until exhaustion finally made Buck agree to head to bed. Eddie clicked into caretaker mode, into that calm professional voice that Buck had heard for years out in the field where it belonged.

Buck hated hearing it here in the house.

“Alright Buck, fresh sheets on the guest bed, Abuela unpacked the stuff that we brought back from your apartment earlier, and Chim sent over the extra TV from his and Maddie’s place for you claiming it was a crime for me to lock you in the guest room without one.”

Buck watched as Eddie moved around the room, quickly and efficiently, waiting for _his_ Eddie to come back, waiting for the softness to return to the way Eddie looked at him. He felt like he might scream if that Eddie didn’t make an appearance soon, he was sick of medic Eddie.

“Are you done fussing now, will you please just sit with me for a minute?”

Eddie spun around at Buck’s tone, at the small whine he couldn’t quite keep out of his voice. He moved away from where he was flipping through the channels on the small television to find something for Buck to watch to join him on the bed, moving carefully, and handed Buck the remote, which he promptly put down between them.

“Too much professional voice, huh?” Buck just nodded, not trusting his own voice to answer.

“Can I hold your hand?” Eddie waited for him to nod a second time before grabbing Buck’s hand and lacing their fingers together.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t hear it. I did hear you when you told me it was bothering you at the hospital.” Eddie dropped a quick kiss on Buck’s temple before cuddling in a little closer, but Buck felt the hesitancy, the _carefulness_ in Eddie’s movements and was only partially mollified.

“I know, Eddie.”

Buck tried to focus on the warmth of the other man’s body, the comfort in listening to his breathing, and forget his clinical tone of voice, the medical precision of how Eddie used his hands, and lets his eyes close.

Buck wasn’t sure how long they had been lying there, but he felt Eddie start to shift and tightened his grip on his hand.

“It’s okay, I’m just going to go check that Chris actually went to bed for Abuela. I’ll be right back to stay with you until you fall asleep, okay?” Buck felt more than heard Eddie’s whisper in his ear.

“Okay. Just come back.” He said as he felt the weight lift from where Eddie had just been on the bed.

“I’m always coming back, Ev.”

Eddie headed down the hall, determined to get back to Buck as soon as possible. Quickly peeking in his son’s room to double check that he has in fact gone to bed, he shot Chris a stern look for still having the light on and held up his hand to indicate five more minutes before stepping back out of the doorway and heading to find Abuela.

“Pepa’s on the way?” Eddie asks from the doorway to the dining room where Abuela is crocheting.

“She is, probably another five minutes, maybe ten. Sit with me a moment.”

Eddie looked over his shoulder down the hall, itching to get back to the guest room, but when he looks back at his grandmother, her eyes are like stones. He knows its best just to sit and listen to whatever she wants to say when she looks like that.

“I spoke to Christopher when you were in with Buck, Christopher is going to come stay with me for the school week.”

“Wait, what?”

“You need to make sure that you pack a bag for him tomorrow, Carla will pick it up from you before she gets Christopher from school and brings him to my house.”

“Abuela, that’s a lot of time…”

“You need to focus on Buck right now and Christopher understands. We’ll be fine for a few days.”

“But I can…”

“We are doing it this way, Edmundo. Christopher will spend four nights with me, you will pick him up from school on Friday for the weekend, and I will be back on Sunday night with your aunt Pepa when you are working as we talked about with everyone at the hospital.”

“Chris can stay here, Abuela. I’m his father, I can take care of them both.”

“You can and you are, but it wouldn’t help any of the three of you for him to be underfoot. Buck needs you; he needs all your attention, and he needs rest and Christopher isn’t going to be able to help himself from trying to be in the middle of that. Buck hurt more than his leg in that fall, he needs to be the priority, for now.”

“I know the laundry list of injuries Abuela, I was there.”

Isabel let out a deep sigh, knowing that her grandson wasn’t ready to see what she did. “It’s more than the physical injuries, love. Go back to him now, I’ll set the alarm and lock the door behind me and let you know when I’m home. Go to where you’re needed.”

Eddie feels the dismissal like a slap. In a daze he wished his grandmother goodnight, quickly checked that no light was coming out from under Christopher’s door and slides back into the guest bed next to Buck.

“You still awake?” Eddie whispered while running his hands through Buck’s hair.

“Yeah,” Buck answers without opening his eyes, leaning into the touch, but his voice far away, “you back?”

“Yeah, babe, go to sleep now.”

Eddie gathered Buck close to him, cautiously avoiding his bruised ribs, burns, and lacerations. He’d tell him what Abuela had said in the morning, that was soon enough, for now he just wanted him to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Buck woke up on the floor, with Eddie hovering over him.

“Buck, I’m here, I need you to look at me.”

Buck tries to focus on Eddie’s face, but he can’t keep it from swimming in front of him.

“That’s it, there you are, focus on my face. Now breathe with me, okay.”

Buck thinks he nods, listening to Eddie count while trying to match his breathing. But doesn’t Eddie know they need to move, they don’t have time for this. Buck starts to push him away.

“Hey, hey, we’re home Buck, we’re at my house, and you’re safe. I’m safe. Chris is asleep in his room. I just need you to focus on my face and breathe, can you do that?”

Buck squints now, the guest room coming into focus around Eddie. He goes back to following along with the breathing Eddie’s doing. Why is he on the floor?

“That’s better. Can you tell me what happened?”

“I don’t know. I couldn’t get out.”

“Get out of where?”

“I don’t know.”

“That’s okay, you’re here. Is it okay if I help you up?”

Buck nods again and when he’s sitting back on the edge of the bed, he realizes he’s been crying.

“What hurts?”

“Nothing. Everything.” Buck groans as a hiccup escapes, frustrated.

“Babe, why didn’t you tell me that the night terrors were back.”

“I didn’t know they were back.” He huffs out, “It was just the one weird dream at the hospital. Not like this.”

Buck is slowly coming back to himself, taking a quick inventory. The tears have mostly stopped, and his breathing is evening out, he hopes, but his neck feels tight and his leg is throbbing. Plus, he sweat through his shirt.

As if Eddie can sense his thoughts, but more likely because he’s been rubbing gentle circles on Buck’s back he leans in, saying quietly, “let’s get you a new shirt, okay?”

Eddie gets up, goes to the drawer. Buck takes him in, finally able to focus on more than his face and sees from his rumpled state that he was likely asleep.

“Eddie what time is it?”

“Uh, looks like nearly 2. Why?” Eddie puts the new shirt down on the bed next to Buck and helps him take off the damp one, throwing it over his own shoulder to take to the hamper.

“I don’t know. Were you asleep? In your room?” Buck picks up the new shirt and starts to put it on, letting Eddie pull it down his back for him.

“Yeah, babe, I stayed here until you were asleep and then went to my room like we talked about, so I didn’t jostle you.”

“Okay, when was that?”

“Eleven. I stayed until the news came on. Buck, why?”

“I’m just… trying to get my brain to settle.”

“Okay, what can I tell you to help that?” Buck thinks, he just wants solid facts, things that happened. Things that were real.

“What time did I fall asleep?”

“Around ten, it took a while for you to completely doze off. Anything else?”

Buck shakes his head no; he can’t think of what else he wants to know.

“Can we go check on Chris?”

“Yeah, of course.”

Eddie doesn’t like how pale Buck is as they look into Chris’s room, his breathing is still shallow, like he can’t fill his lungs. All evidence points to Buck still being on the edges of a panic attack, which isn’t unexpected if the night terrors are back. Eddie curses himself for not thinking they would be, because of course another traumatic event would trigger them. It had taken close to a year for Buck and Chris to stop having them after the tsunami. Eddie marvels that his son is still sound asleep, apparently not registering the noise from down the hall. It was something small to be thankful for.

“Alright, c’mon, let’s go, back to bed” Eddie whispers in Buck’s ear as he sees him start to sway on his crutches.

Giving him a resigned look Buck starts making his way down the hall behind Eddie, only looking up when he nearly runs into the other man.

“Eddie, I can’t get around you with these.” Buck motions to his crutches.

“Yeah, we’re changing the plan. You’re coming with me.”

Buck just blinks at Eddie and the relief on his face has Eddie kicking himself again.

“In you go,” Eddie stays close until Buck makes it to the bed, then turns back to the door, “I’m going to grab a couple things from the other room, I’ll be right back.

Eddie jogs across the hall, grabbing all the things that they had used to prop Buck’s leg up and then back to his bedroom.

“Okay, listen, I still think it was the best idea to give you an entire bed to yourself in order to immobilize your leg, but I also think that there’s no way either of us is getting any sleep if you aren’t here. But I’m still going to try to immobilize your leg.”

Buck just nods, and Eddie can see it is taking all his energy to hold his body up.

“Good. I’m going to narrate what I’m doing so you know, okay, I know it’s going to sound like professional voice, and I know you asked me not to use it, but I also don’t want to startle you.” Eddie grasps Buck’s shoulder, giving it a little squeeze for comfort.

Buck nods again, and lets out a small breath, “Okay, it’s okay Eds.” Eddie can see the exhaustion is taking over.

Eddie launches in, trying to keep his voice in the personal zone and not firefighter and paramedic tone. He keeps his eyes on Buck’s face when he can, trying to gauge if he’s hurting or upsetting him, and Eddie’s pretty sure he’s kept it to a minimum.

“How does that feel?”

“It’s okay, nothing hurts more than it did before.”

“Shit, I should have gotten you your painkillers, hold on.”

“Eddie…” Eddie feels Buck reach for his hand to hold him in place, Eddie gives it a small squeeze, and lets it go.

“I’m getting them. I’ll be right back.”

Back across the hall to the bedside table, Eddie grabs the bottle and is counting out the pills in his hand before he makes it back into the bedroom.

“Here, let me help you sit up for a second so you can take these.”

Buck scowls while taking the pills with the water Eddie’s brought and lays back down.

Eddie isn’t sure why, exactly, Buck is making that face about the pills, but for now he’s just glad he took them. He climbs in next to Buck, cuddling as close as he dares, angling so his torso is near Buck, but his legs are on the edge of the bed.

“Eds, talk to me?”

“Sure, anything you want.” Eddie settles in to talk to Buck until he falls back asleep, no matter how long that takes.

Eddie thanks a god he’s not so sure he still believes in that Buck slept through the rest of the night and hadn’t stirred when he’d gotten up to take Christopher to school. Not that in that time Eddie figured out how to tell Buck about Chris not coming home that night.

“Eds?”

Buck’s voice pulled him out of his own head and brought him back to the here and now.

“Hey, Ev. You awake?”

“Uhm, maybe.”

“Let me know when you know.” Eddie chuckled, carefully watching Buck’s face.

While he watched, Eddie saw the storm clouds of fitful sleep roll across his partner’s face. _Partner_. This was all so new still, they were figuring it out as they went at this point, but they had crossed over from best friends into another category. Partners? Boyfriends? He still wasn’t sure what word to use. Somehow not having the words sorted hadn’t bothered him five days ago, but as he stood in Buck’s hospital room, he had wished he knew which word was _his_. He had decided then and there that he was ready to have the discussions, to be out to their friends and families, but he had promised Buck’s sleeping form that he would wait for him. They did things together.

“You planning on staring a hole through me there Eds?”

Eddie burst out laughing.

“Not too much to do at the moment, Buck. You feel up to breakfast?”

“Not really.”

“I don’t doubt it, but I’m going to make some eggs and you are going to eat them, you need something in your stomach before you take your meds.”

After they finished breakfast Eddie looked over and saw that Buck’s pills were still sitting next to him, where he himself had laid them out.

“Babe, you going to tell me why you aren’t taking your pills?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Not nothing Buck, c’mon, out with it.”

“The painkillers just make me feel out of it. The world goes fuzzy. And the other ones make my stomach hurt.”

Buck sighs, looks quickly at Eddie but doesn’t hold his gaze, and continues on.

“I know, okay, I know.”

“But you have to…”

With that the dam breaks and Buck is rolling his eyes and yelling across the table.

“Eddie, fine, yes, I know I _have to_. But could you not push it, can I just drink my coffee and have a normal breakfast with you without you giving me shit about taking the meds you know I’m going to take.”

“I don’t _know_ you’re going to take them Buck. You were going to struggle through last night without them if I hadn’t remembered them.” Eddie can hear his own volume increasing but he’s trying to keep it normal, but it’s a losing battle.

“First, you don’t know that and second, that was one time.”

“One time, _so far_. You’ve been home for less than 18 hours. There have only been three times to take pills. You didn’t ask for pills you clearly needed last night and now you are putting off taking them, those are shit odds from where I’m sitting.”

The two men are staring at each other angrily across the table, neither wanting to back down, neither understanding how this conversation turned into a shouting match.

Buck takes a deep breath and thinks of the word _home._ He’d been _home_ less than 18 hours. He picks up the pills and his juice and takes them without a word.

Eddie nods once in acknowledgement and clears the table. Unwilling to yell anymore and unable to speak in any other tone.

Buck is already tired of the eggshells they were walking on. He’d decided to go quiet after the fight about the pills, to let Eddie dictate their day, to follow along and just be the good patient. Not bristle at the _first responder tone_ Eddie couldn’t seem to stop using. Eventually Carla would bring Chris home and having the kid in the house would break them out of their funk. It had worked before; it would work again. It had to. Buck couldn’t deal with weeks of this.

It was while Buck was taking the nap that Eddie forced him into that Buck worried that even that hope was gone.

“It just that bag then, Eddie?” Carla’s voice broke through his sleep.

“Yeah he already has most of what he needs at Abuela’s. I’m sorry that she called and changed the schedule on you.”

_What_ change to the schedule? What was Eddie talking about?

“It’s really not a problem Eddie, since I agreed with her, she didn’t have to do much convincing. I can help her there the same as I help you here.”

Agreed about _what_?

“I know. I know that I know. But he could be here; I can take care of them both.”

Why was his voice catching that way? Was Eddie…. Was Eddie _crying_? In front of _Carla_?

“Oh, hey now. No one is saying you can’t handle being a dad and being here for Buck at the same time. Your grandmother wanted to help, and this is what she and Chris decided worked best, that’s all.”

“Yeah, okay. Remind him we’ll call later?”

“Of course. It’s going to be okay, you know. He’s gotten through worse.”

Buck did not like this turn of the conversation; he was pretty sure they were now talking about him.

“I know, but last time I failed him,”

Woah, what?

“and I feel like I’m overcompensating now. It’s not been our best day.”

“You’ll figure it out, you care about that man too much not to. Anything I can do to help your not-best day?”

“No but thank you.”

Buck can’t really make out much after that, Eddie must be walking Carla to the door.

As he hears the door close, Buck tries to decide if he wants to admit that he’s overheard Carla and Eddie, figure out the missing pieces he didn’t quite understand, and deal with the rolling emotions in his gut. He still hasn’t decided when he feels Eddie run his hand through his hair, murmuring for him to rest a little longer, and decides it can wait.


	3. Chapter 3

Eddie and Buck studiously avoid talking about the elephant in the room, or the Christopher not in the room, for several hours. Eddie occupying himself between the kitchen and dining room working through chores and mail while Buck keeps custody of the living room with its couch and television.

Finally, Eddie has enough. He crosses the invisible boundary from dining room to living room and takes a seat across from Buck with one thought on his mind: he’s going to pick a fight he doesn’t want to be having in the first place. But this cold silence needs to end, and it needs to end now. Carla was right, he cares too much about this man to not at least try to reset their day.

“Chris is staying with Abuela. She’s keeping him for the next four nights.”

Eddie stares intently at Buck, watching the wave of emotion crash in his bright blue eyes as Buck processes. After the tense, carefully polite day they had Eddie welcomes the glimpse of truthful emotions.

“What the fuck, Eddie. Four? _Four days_?”

“Ev…”

“Don’t.” The steel in Buck’s tone stops him cold, “Tell me why, Eddie.”

“Abuela’s keeping him so I can focus on you. The two of them discussed it last night.”

Eddie watches Buck reel through several emotions, none of them good. _Shit_.

“This is my fault. Chris is out of his home because of me.”

“Hey now, wait, that’s not…”

“Yes, it is. If I’m not here, if I’m not injured _again,_ if I was able to look after myself then your son is home. This is your biggest fear, that Chris is going to get taken away, and it happened and it happened because of me.”

“That’s not what’s happening here, Buck. Its only for a couple nights. No one took him from me, he’s just staying with Abuela, just like he usually does.”

“Yes, it is. I have to go; I need to leave. Chris needs to come home.”

“Buck, that’s not the answer.”

“Today has been awful, Eds, and now I know that because you have to take care of me Chris can’t be in his own home? It’s just too much. We can’t do this.”

“Hey, hey, Evan, look at me.” Buck won’t, he’s too busy trying to grab his crutches so he can get up from the couch to get his phone and call someone to come get him because he needs to go, and he needs to go right now.

“Hey, _look at me_.” Eddie can hear the panic creeping into his own voice, and he doesn’t care. He cannot let Buck continue feeling like this. 

“No.”

Eddie moves from his seat and crouches down in front of him, placing his body between Buck and his crutches. It isn’t fair, he’s playing dirty, but he needs to get Buck to listen.

“Please, just look at me.” Eddie places his hand on Buck’s shoulder lightly, rubbing his thumb along his clavicle, mentally pleading with him to just make eye contact. They always do better when they are able to see each other.

“I don’t _have_ to take care of you. I want to. I want you here with me. And Chris spending the week with Abuela? That isn’t your _fault_ ; it isn’t because you did something _wrong_. Abuela saw how tired we both were, how on edge Chris was because we were out of sorts – you and I _both_ \- and thought it would be best if we had some time to settle into a routine before working Chris into it. And Chris gets a mini vacation with his great grandmother.”

“But I’m still the reason Chris isn’t home.” Buck continues to struggle to hold back the tears that have been threatening since they left the hospital. It’s just too much, how completely upside down their life has become.

“It isn’t right that Chris got kicked out for me.” Buck says through sniffles.

“No one kicked Chris out, he and Abuela talked about it and decided together.”

“I just want us to be normal, Eddie.”

“I know, and so does Chris. He just wants you to get better as fast as possible and he thinks staying with Abuela will help that, he told me this morning on the way to school.”

Eddie knows just how sensitive Buck can be to the very idea of being perceived as a burden in any way, that his needs will be too much. Eddie wishes that Chris’s absence wasn’t triggering that particular reaction, but Buck has a right to feel however he’s feeling.

“Hey, I know, okay, I know it looks and feels bad. I was upset too; I know that we can all three be here together and make it work. But Abuela is right, we don’t have to work that hard, she can help. She’ll make sure Chris has as normal a week as possible and while we figure out how to be you and me while also dealing with your recovery. I am not leaving you alone again, it’s just not an option Evan. I’m never leaving you alone again.”

A small sob escapes from Buck and Eddie has no idea what to do except slide next to him on the couch and gather him close. He waits for Buck’s ragged breathing to even out before speaking again.

“Hey, tell me what made you cry, please?

Buck finally makes eye contact with Eddie again, and the longing crossed with… is that anger… catches Eddie off guard.

“Dammit Eddie, there you are. There’s _my_ Eddie. Where the hell have you been all day?”

All Eddie can do for a moment is blink.

“I’ve been here with you.”

“Physically, yes. But emotionally? No.” Buck registers the confusion on Eddie’s face and barrels ahead, too overwrought to think twice about it.

“I want our life. It’s only been three weeks. Three weeks of figuring out what this version of us is, and because of me it’s all thrown to hell. We’re supposed to be in the honeymoon phase of the relationship but instead we’re dealing with every single normal thing gone, _including Christopher_. And I just _need_ you, I _need_ to be normal and this, this isn’t normal.”

Eddie is always stunned at how easily Buck can access his emotions and turn them into words, it would have taken him so much more time and effort to get that out. 

“Hey, silver lining of Chris being at Abuela’s is that we have the place to ourselves to just be us.”

“Not helping, Eddie.” Bucks rolls his eyes, both in frustration and fondness, and buries his face in the crook of Eddie’s neck.

“I know. I do. Hey, I miss us too, today was not great, but it’s just one day.”

Eddie pauses for just a second, to gauge what he sees on Buck’s face, and also to find his next words. He desperately wants to say what he means and say it right the first time.

“I meant what I said before, I’m not making the same mistakes this time as I did after the truck and the tsunami. I convinced myself you didn’t need me then, that I would be overstepping if I did too much. But fuck it, _I_ need you and you _do_ need me. I need you so much, Evan, that I will figure out how to balance everything else.”

Eddie watches Buck’s face, waiting to see how much sinks in, how much work there still is to do. He can see from the quirk of his eyebrow that they aren’t done with this conversation, but that Buck will let him end it here for now.

“I do need you,” Buck’s tone is almost resigned, and Eddie knows there’s something being left unsaid, but he doesn’t press, “We’re calling Chris so I can hear it from him.”

Buck feels better after talking to Chris and Abuela, they both looked and sounded so much like their usual selves that it helped some of the tension leech out of his body. Abuela tells him to call whenever he wants, even if Chris is at school, emphatic that she wants to talk to him whenever he feels like it. Eddie had made himself scarce which wasn’t usual, but he had squeezed Buck’s shoulder and nodded toward the bedroom to let Buck know where he’d be.

Slowly, Buck makes his way down the hall more tired than he should be for how much of the day he spent asleep. He’s watching the carpet in front of him, leery of catching the crutches - a fear from the falls he took last time he was on crutches, which is why he sees Eddie’s socked feet before the rest of him.

“You okay on your crutches for a minute or do you want to sit down?”

“I’m okay, why?”

“I wanted to be back in the living room to talk to you about this on neutral territory.”

“Jesus, Eddie, what?”

“Where do you want to sleep tonight?”

Buck feels himself blinking while just watching Eddie’s face. He doesn’t quite understand the question.

“Eddie, again, _what?_ ”

“So, we had decided that you would sleep in the guest room, well it’s probably more likely that I decided it would be best and you just didn’t fight me. Now I’m asking you, for real this time. Do you want to be set up in the guest room or would you rather be in with me?”

Buck runs through their previous discussions on the topic. It did make sense from a recovery point of view to have the guest room to himself, to be able to stretch out and not be jostled. He knew all that, but just now he finds himself not caring at all.

“I don’t want to be in the guest room.”

Buck is expecting to see that small pleased smile that Eddie often wears, but instead his eyebrows furrow and Buck remains confused, and is wondering if he’s more tired than even he thought.

“Okay, do you want to trade?” Buck watches as Eddie looks away, shifts his weight from foot to foot.

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, you didn’t say you wanted to be with me,” Ahh, there it is, “so we can trade, it’s not a problem.”

“Eddie, no. I don’t want to trade, I don’t want to be alone in your room. I want to be there with you. If that’s okay.”

Finally, Buck sees that small smile he had expected.

“Yeah, of course, go ahead. I’ll grab the rest of your stuff from the other room.”

Buck makes his way into the bedroom and heads for his side of the bed. His heart warms at the thought that he even _has_ a side of Eddie’s bed. He’s only had a handful of the kind of relationships where you get a side of the bed, let alone the kind where your things are on the nightstand and you have space in the dresser. He had daydreamed about having those things here for months before it became a reality, and he still felt like pinching himself that he did now. Eddie catches him just resting his hand on the nightstand, a million miles away.

“You in pain? Your face looks weird. I have your prescriptions here and everything else from the bedside table. I started repacking your clothes but just decided to grab a couple changes for now although I think you might have everything you need in your drawer anyway.”

Buck just listens to Eddie, a smile creeping onto his face.

“Eds, you’re rambling.”

“I can feel it. Better or worse than medical professional me?”

“Rambling, slightly nervous you is so much better.”

Eddie drops to the bed beside him.

“Really? Why?”

Buck thinks carefully, not sure if they’re really ready to continue this conversation.

“You want to talk about this now?”

“Let’s talk about it at least a little, you’ve been upset about it.”

Buck tries to find the simplest way to explain the complex feelings he’s been having.

“Rambling you only really shows up when it’s just us, it’s something relationship Eddie does that coworker Eddie almost never does. That’s why it’s better right now, I want relationship Eddie.”

Eddie laughs, a deep chuckle that rumbles in his chest as he leans in to kiss Buck. “That would be because I’m woefully out of practice at being anyone’s boyfriend. I’ve got the firefighter thing pretty well under control though.”

Now it’s Buck’s turn to laugh, but it aggravates his ribs and he ends on a groan.

Next thing Buck knows Eddie is handing him his pain pills and a glass a water with a tentative look on his face.

“I’ll take them Eddie, the full dose, to sleep.”

Eddie lets that be good enough and they settle in for the night.


	4. Chapter 4

It had been a relatively uneventful night, by Eddie’s estimation. At least Buck hadn’t ended up on the floor. He’d woken up in the early morning hours thrashing around a bit but when Eddie started talking to him Buck had settled down and been able to get back to sleep. Eddie had not, and instead spent the pre-dawn hours contemplating his relationship with Buck.

 _We’re supposed to be in the honeymoon phase of the relationship_ was what Buck had said to him when he had finally broken through the night before. _Figuring out what this version of us is_ had also entered the conversation.

On the one hand, Eddie was relieved to know that Buck was having the same sort of thoughts he was having, but it sounded like Buck was having more complex feelings about it all. Which really shouldn’t have surprised Eddie – Buck always felt things more than almost anyone else he knew. On the other hand, Eddie didn’t know where to start, he hadn’t been kidding when he said he was woefully out of practice at being in a relationship and all that it entailed even though he knew exactly how he felt about Buck.

Eddie thought back over the weeks since their first kiss, from that moment of wanting to and finally letting himself, and the sheer relief that came with Buck’s enthusiastic response. The had talked some that first night, and a few after, working out when their feelings had changed, had grown, and deciding to follow these feelings into this new territory. But they still hadn’t finished unpacking it all, and they hadn’t discussed when to tell anyone else about it. So far Christopher had pieced it together for himself, having interrupted them kissing on the couch over his head two weeks back when they thought he was asleep, but being Christopher he had just said “good” and asked if he could have another dessert.

But they needed to really come to terms with what their relationship was now. Eddie knew that he had absolutely made the right choice in having Buck come home with him for the duration of his recovery from his broken leg. There was no other choice that felt right to Eddie, even if this did fast-forward them into living together from dating, or whatever it was they had been doing. Going from best friends to lovers had its own strange complications. When he had stood in that hospital room and told Buck that he was wanted in his home, that he was cared for, that he had someone to rely on while he healed Eddie had not lied. It was every word the truth. Eddie also knew he was notoriously bad at expressing his emotions verbally, he knew he did not do it well, but he’d been working with his therapist on it for over a year. With Buck he had always been able to communicate the most important things without having to say a word, but this time Buck had needed to hear the words to stop the encroaching panic, and Eddie found himself needing to say them. It was just another step forward, together.

Eddie is as patient as he can make himself be, waiting until they get back from Buck’s doctor’s appointment with his GP to launch into it. Their morning had gone much smoother than the day before, and Eddie hadn’t wanted to break the mood, but now it was time. Being a Diaz, he knew that emotional conversations are best had with food on hand. That’s how he managed to make Buck nearly choke on his lunch.

“So, we should probably talk about what our relationship is now, right?” Eddie can hear the strain in his own voice, but he’s hoping Buck can’t.

Buck manages to swallow the bite of burrito in his mouth while trying to understand what Eddie is really asking and decides its best just to make Eddie tell him.

“What do you mean there, Eddie?”

“Just, we’ve been _together_ for the past few weeks, and you mentioned something yesterday about being in a honeymoon phase,” Bucks face reddens at that, a small blush as he remembers practically yelling that phrase at Eddie the night before. “and you agreed to stay here for the length of your recovery so I was thinking we should probably actually put some labels on this. If you want.”

“Edmundo Diaz, are you asking me to define the relationship?” Buck can’t help himself; gently teasing Eddie is how he expresses his affection.

“I know you’re teasing me but yes, basically.” Eddie gathers his bravery and continues on. “The first night you were in the hospital I kept thinking about how I didn’t know which label was mine. I didn’t know how to describe myself, and I didn’t like it – so what are we calling this?”

“I don’t know Eds, I was doing pretty well with just calling it being _together_ , but I can see what you mean. If the roles had been reversed, I would have told the nurses I was your partner. How do you feel about that?”

Eddie pauses, and his awash in a feeling of deep satisfaction. He wants more than he realized to be this man’s partner.

“I like it, it feels right.”

“Okay, that’s settled then. What else needs defining?”

“Timetable.”

“Timetable for what?”

“Telling people.” Eddie steels himself to spit out the next part, the truly important part, the thing he had been rehearsing while Buck slept that morning.

“You and I, we know that this thing between us isn’t casual. When we talk about it we talk about being together for the long haul. But that’s a lot, it’s a lot to process so we had agreed without really talking about it to take it as it came, to let the romantic part of the relationship catch up to the friendship before dealing with the enormity of what being together really means for us. We were keeping it close, letting it be just ours while the dust settled, so to speak. So, what I’m asking you is if you‘re ready to let other people know or do you want to spend a little longer with it being just ours?”

Buck sits back, letting what Eddie has said sink in. He was right, in describing how they had approached the last month. This was the parts of their life that Buck was so upset to have lost to the realities of being on the road to recovery from another injury, he had been afraid that it would all go away, or go on pause while Eddie stepped back into the role of best friend, but it seemed Eddie had other ideas and Buck felt nothing short of relief. He wanted them to be in this fully.

“I honestly don’t know, Eddie. I want them to know, but I don’t want to have to tell them. Does that make sense?”

“Not a ton if I’m being honest. But listen, we only tell people if we are both ready. We are in this together, this life that we are building.”

“How did we manage _not_ to tell everyone when we were making the plan for when I left the hospital?”

“I think that can go down to how much our relationship had crossed the boundary from friends to partners before we realized. Everyone is just used to us being, well, like this. But I’ll be honest with you, I think we are running up against a deadline if we want to tell people instead of just letting them put the pieces together. As it is Carla knows.”

“Wait, she does?”

“Well, she hasn’t said anything directly but its Carla, we have to assume she has at least guessed but is respecting our privacy because she’s a good friend.”

“Same can be said for Maddie. She has a very pointed way of asking me about you. She won’t be surprised is what I’m saying. The deadline is when you go back on shift, isn’t it?

“I think so, but we’ve got options. If we don’t tell them about us right now you move back to the guest room on the night’s I’m at work and Abuela and Pepa can have our room. When its Athena or anyone else they can have the couch, or I can pick up an air mattress, because I’m guessing they won’t be comfortable taking our bed even if they think it’s just mine. Honestly, someone probably already has one we can borrow, Bobby and Michael take Harry camping, right? But babe, it’s up to you.”

“Why is it up to me?”

“Because I’m ready to tell them, but we only tell people if we are both ready to, I mean it.”

“Can I say that I really like that you called it _our_ room?”

“You can, but I see that for the deflection it is. So is that a not ready? Because it can still be _our_ room even if we’re the only ones who know.”

Buck thinks to himself, not for the first or fourth time that day, that he is really, stupidly in love with Eddie, who else has ever taken his feelings, his needs, so completely into account.

“I don’t want to sleep in the guest room, even if you aren’t here. I want to sleep in _our_ room.”

“Okay, but does that mean that you are ready to tell everyone?” Eddie is looking for enthusiastic consent, or at the very least unequivocal consent. This is too important for unclarity.

“We tell them. I don’t want to lie by omission, I’m ready”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter that started me writing this months ago.


	5. Chapter 5

When Buck had agreed that he was ready to tell their family and friends about the change in their relationship, he didn’t imagine it would happen less than 24 hours later. He was supposed to have until Sunday which by his count was another four days away. But Bobby had called Eddie in a panic and their whole schedule had gone up in smoke.

The captain had to order Eddie in, the flu was running its way through the LAFD and all houses were shorthanded.

“It’s not a long shift, I’ll only be in for eight hours and then I’ll be home. Cap said to tell you he was sorry, but everyone is being called in from everything – leave, vacation – I’m pretty sure if you could stand without crutches for any length of time they’d be calling you in off medical leave.”

“Its fine. I get it. I can handle being alone for the day.”

“About that, I actually already called in the reinforcements, since I’m going to be gone until at least 8 tonight.”

“Which reinforcements, Eddie?”

“Abuela.”

And that was how Buck found himself in the awkward position of not being sure what she did or didn’t know.

Eddie had left the house within an hour of getting the call, and in the whirlwind of getting him out the door for shift and getting Buck prepped to be on his own until Abuela could get to the house they hadn’t discussed telling Abuela about them. They _had_ discussed telling her and Eddie’s aunt on Sunday at dinner the day before, but they hadn’t had a chance to discuss altering the plan at all.

The good news for Buck was that he really liked Eddie’s grandmother, and she had always been kind and inviting to him over the years. He just didn’t spend much time with her one on one. But he shouldn’t have worried, because Isabel Diaz was just as take charge as her grandson, and that was a Diaz personality trait that Buck was very familiar with. She came barreling in a little after 1 with bags of food and a plan.

Isabel was quietly thrilled at the turn of events. She had not liked the look of Buck on his first night back from the hospital, or frankly how poorly he slept when he had been in the hospital. She had spoken to Eddie each day, getting from him a progress report while reassuring him that Christopher was no trouble at all and that she and Pepa had everything in hand. Now with Eddie needing to go in for a shift a few days early she had an excuse to spend time with Buck to see how he’s really doing and indulge in her instinct to care for him. She had raised children, grandchildren, and now great grandchildren – caring was what she did. So while she was sorry that Eddie had to work, and she felt poorly for not including Christopher in the trip to the house to take care of Buck, she was still looking forward to a little time just the two of them.

“Buck, my love, how does your leg feel?” The first thing she’d noticed was the look of discomfort on his face. She walked over and placed a hand on his forehead to check for fever and was relieved to find none.

“It’s okay Abuela, I took all my pills with breakfast, but I traded the heavy-duty painkillers for some Tylenol since I was alone. I’ll take more when we eat lunch.”

“Good, good. Will you promise me to take the real painkillers after we eat? I can see your face is very white and you aren’t running a fever, so it must be the pain. You can take a nap after lunch if you feel strange on them.” Isabel is determined that he will not suffer on her watch, Eddie had mentioned that Buck was reluctant to take the medication.

“I hate how they make me feel Abuela.” Buck started to complain, but then he saw the concern and determination in her eyes. He’s smart enough to know when not to fight with Isabel Diaz, its like arguing with his sister, a losing proposition. “How about half? I’ll take half.”

“Then I will be glad for you to take half. But I’m serious, I also want you to lie down after lunch for a little while. It’s more of a request than a suggestion.”

Buck sighs, and nods. He knows he will not really be making any decisions for himself for the rest of the day. With almost anyone else he would really hate that, but Abuela is different. She does it to everyone she loves, and that reassures him that he isn’t being judged. She’s just doing her thing.

“Good. Do you need anything before I make lunch?”

“No, I have a drink and my book, and my leg is propped up. I’m good for now.”

“Okay then, I’ll come get you in a little while.”

It doesn’t take very long for Buck to hear the crackling of oil and smell the aroma of his favorite food. Abuela had brought empanadas and he was feeling hungry for the first time in days. She gathers Buck, who insists on doing most of the work himself even though she can see the strain on his face, only allowing her to hand him his crutches. They eat their lunch of empanadas and salad companionably, having shared meals together before. True to his word Buck takes half a dose of his painkiller after he eats.

“Evan, love, do you want to stretch out on the couch with the television or would you rather lie down on the bed in the quiet?”

Its decision time for Buck. Tell Abuela now while they are alone and have her tuck him into his and Eddie’s bed, or avoid the conversation for a little while longer. He decides to do a little bit of both.

“Abuela, if it’s okay I’d like to lay down on the couch and watch something with you, you can pick whatever you like since I’ll probably doze off.”

“That’s fine for me, there’s usually a movie on one of the channels I want to watch.”

“Abuela, you know Eddie has Netflix and my Hulu, we can find something even if it isn’t on TV right now.”

“Yes, I know, but unlike you two I like commercials, it gives this old lady a chance to get up and stretch her legs, maybe get a drink or a snack.”

Buck laughs to himself and allows Isabel to arrange the pillows around him on the couch cushions, noticing how she inspects his fading bruises and healing cuts, checks his cast as she helps him position it just so on the pile of pillows. He’s already more than half asleep when she drapes the blanket over him. But there’s still something he wants to say, better now he thinks, that way if she’s unhappy she can be unhappy while he sleeps, and she’ll have a chance to call Eddie and yell if she wants.

“Abuela, there’s one more thing I want to tell you before you find a movie.”

“Of course, what is it Evan?”

“I know Eddie will be home in time tonight for you to go home to your own bed, but just in case, or for Sunday when you and Pepa are here with Christopher and me, you two will be in the guest room.” Buck feels his bravery evaporating, maybe she’ll just let it pass.

“Yes, I know.”

“You know?”

“Eddie called me on his way to work.” Isabel turns away, focusing on the channel guide so the young man can’t see her eyes twinkle, she is very interested in hearing the surprise in Buck’s voice.

“What did Eddie tell you, exactly, Abuela?”

“That you had decided that Pepa and I should have the guest room together.” Isabel was telling the truth, but not all of it. Her grandson had also told her about the change in his relationship with the man currently fighting sleep on his couch. She had congratulated him and told him how proud she was that he had found someone who he could love so much, and who loved him back with so much of himself. And she gave him a bad time about taking so long to see what she had seen two years earlier.

“Oh… well, we were going to tell you this together. But I guess it’s good that he told you that part.” Buck pauses, waits for Isabel to look at him before continuing, “Eddie and I are dating, Abuela. I’m staying in his room. Well, um, our room.”

Buck takes a deep breath; it had been much simpler to say than he thought it would be.

“I know Evan, he told me that too.”

Isabel has been longing to have a conversation with Buck about what was obviously between him and her grandson for days if not weeks, and it looks like today is the day. She stifles a laugh as she watches Buck’s eyebrows climb his face, she doesn’t want him to feel poorly about anything, “but I’m glad that you felt you could tell me too. I’m so very happy that you two are finally together, I have been praying for it each week at church for a long time.”

Now Buck finds himself absolutely dumbfounded. “Really, Abuela?”

“Yes, my love, with all my heart. You two are very good for each other.”

“He didn’t tell me he told you.”

“I know that now, but I didn’t before. I thought you knew I knew.”

“No.”

“Are you sad that he told me?”

“No.”

“Are you glad that he did?”

“No. I mean yes, Honestly Abuela I don’t know. I was scared to tell you, I’m a little scared to tell everyone. We were supposed to tell you together, but he was already gone for work when I remembered that we hadn’t and I thought I should.”

“And that made you afraid?” Isabel Diaz wanted to reassure, but first she needed to know what she was reassuring about.

“Yes, and no. You’re the first one we’ve told. Besides Christopher but he figured it out by himself.”

“I’m honored to be first. Truly, mijo. But what about this makes you afraid?”

“I don’t know Abuela. I had told Eddie that I wished we could just pretend we’d already told everyone, because that would be easier. If I was dating anyone else it wouldn’t be such big news, but this is _big_ news and I think that’s what scares me. To have to keep sharing this big, important part of my life with everyone over and over.”

Isabel watches him think about what he just said, and from the look on his face she thinks it’s the first time he’s said it aloud, or really thought it all the way through.

“That’s okay. That’s the good kind of afraid. Things that are so important should make an impact on how we feel. When you said it, how did you feel right after?”

“That is was easier than I thought, to say it aloud.”

“Good, I want you to hold onto that feeling. I already told Pepa, as Eddie asked me to, I hope that’s okay with you?”

“Sure, Abuela, that’s fine.”

“Now, do you really want to sleep out here on the couch by me or do you want me to put you in your bed, now that you know I know?”

“I want to stay out here with you. I like spending time with you.”


	6. Chapter 6

When Eddie gets home from shift he finds the pair of them in practically the same positions on the couch and in the chair. Abuela and Buck had spent the afternoon creating their own movie marathon, talking in between each of their naps. Isabel refused to feel guilty for having also fallen asleep, no matter the look her grandson gave her.

And she tells him so at her first opportunity.

“Are you sure Chris isn’t too much, Abuela?”

“He is not. Why are you bothering me about this now?” Isabel taps her fingers impatiently against the armrest in Eddie’s truck.

“Because you and Buck were laughing about dueling naps. If you’re tired enough to nap during the afternoon I’m allowed to ask.”

“I fell asleep because the house was quiet, and I was staying in the living room to keep Evan company, he didn’t want to be alone. Otherwise I would have been up doing things and awake. Naps are inevitable with movies and blankets, you know this.”

Eddie wants to argue the point, but he hears the truth in what his grandmother is saying. Her natural speed is much more go go go, she had only slowed down a little since her fall three years ago. But staying in the recliner and watching movies with a sleeping Buck snoring quietly next to her was likely a recipe for a nap she was unaccustomed to taking.

“Okay, I will admit that I see your point about the blankets. Everything went okay with Buck though?”

“I hear the question you aren’t asking, yes he took half the dose of painkillers after lunch, and it was enough to take the edge off and allow him to sleep. Well, after he confessed to me about your relationship. Eddie, why didn’t you tell him you told me?”

“Honestly, I don’t know, I meant to. How did that go?”

“He was nervous, and surprised I think at how easily I accepted it, how happy it makes me. I wish for him that it wasn’t a surprise how happy this all makes me, you two have been dancing around this a long time already. But mostly I think he’s just feeling the enormity of how much he feels for you and is having trouble putting it into words. You need to be gentle with him, mijo.”

It was rare, but not unheard of, for someone to tell him to be gentle with Buck. Usually it was Cap or Hen. But Eddie guessed that he should be prepared to add Abuela to that list now.

“How so?”

“I don’t know what it is, and perhaps you do but I don’t expect you to tell me because its Evan’s business, but under how happy and in love he is, he’s also scared and nervous. Something happened to put that fear in him, and you will have to be gentle in helping him unlearn it. You have your own demons that he will have to be gentle with you about, but that’s a conversation for he and I another time.”

“I understand, I think.”

Eddie didn’t completely know what to make of Abuela’s summary of Buck’s emotions, but it rang true. He knew his partner had a rough romantic history, and a strained relationship with his parents which all added up to him being wary of being _too much_ , of needing _too much_ because everyone had given him so little over the years. Eddie had not helped that particular sore spot when they fought during the lawsuit shitshow. They had talked about it, and Buck said he forgave him and knew he didn’t really mean it, but Eddie knew that Buck hadn’t completely gotten over it either, that it still haunted him.

Much later Eddie wasn’t sleeping and still mulling over what Abuela had said. Buck had stirred after 1 am and while he had been able to settle himself without help from Eddie, Eddie couldn’t get himself back to sleep. He was on high alert. There was something in how Buck had described the nightmare that was bothering him.

_We couldn’t get out. I couldn’t find the door, and you couldn’t hear me, and we couldn’t get out._

Some part of Buck’s unconscious thought Eddie couldn’t hear him, wasn’t listening. Frank would have a lot to say about Eddie picking up on that when they had their next session. Combined with Abuela’s assessment of Buck’s underlying fear Eddie was putting together a bigger picture. He could see the shape of the problem, even if he couldn’t quite make out the details yet.

But all thoughts stopped when Buck started yelling for him in his sleep.

Buck was in the second story of the house on fire, moving from wall to wall looking for the exit, but he couldn’t find it. He also couldn’t raise Bobby or Eddie on the radio. He tried calling for Chim and Hen next, but they didn’t answer either. He felt himself getting frantic, but then he spotted a window. Heading towards it he heard an enormous explosion, and then the eerie silence that followed. Flames worked their way up the walls, and outside the window Buck could see an overturned firetruck. Chris was sitting on top of it, looking for him, calling his name. He couldn’t break the window, he couldn’t get to Christopher, and he couldn’t find Eddie. Everything was very, very wrong.

He woke up shouting.

Eddie was here, checking his pulse with one hand while rubbing up and down his arm with the other and talking to him quietly. Reminding him to breathe, that everyone and everything was okay. But one look at his leg in the cast and Buck knew it for the lie it so obviously was.

“Nothing is fucking okay Eddie. Everything is a goddamn nightmare.”

“Yes, everything you just experienced was not fucking okay and a goddamn nightmare but you’re out of it now. Everything is okay here.”

“My leg would disagree with you on that assessment Eddie. You’re full of shit.”

Buck sees something like anger flicker in Eddie’s eyes, and all of a sudden all he wants to do his make this man who he loves so much rage with the anger he’s feeling.

“Your leg will heal, it is healing, Buck. What happened in the nightmare isn’t real.”

“The fuck it wasn’t. I was in a burning building and I couldn’t get anyone on the radio – that’s happened. There was an explosion and a truck was blown on its side… yep that’s a real thing too. Chris was sitting on top of the firetruck calling my name because he couldn’t find me, and we know damn well that’s true too. There are too many shitty things in my life.”

Buck watches as Eddie takes his points in one by one, not offering any rebuttal.

“See, you agree with me. Everything is fucked.”

“I don’t agree with your conclusion.”

Eddie was staying calm and it was making Buck’s temper all the shorter.

“Why the fuck not. They’re my nightmares, I get to say what they fucking mean.”

“No, you get to say how they feel. Do you want something to drink?”

Eddie gets up from the bed and for Buck, that’s the last straw.

“I think you should go sleep in the other room Eddie.”

Eddie spins to look at Buck, confusion written all over his face.

“Ev, why?”

“Because I’m a goddamn disaster. I don’t want you here when I wake up next.”

“I’m not following. Why don’t you want me here?”

If Buck couldn’t get anger, he’d settled for hurt. But he was already starting to regret it and didn’t have it in him to push too much harder.

“Because this is too much. You didn’t sign up for this. You’re going to leave eventually anyway.”

Buck watches as Eddie takes a beat, expecting him to do anything but what he does next. Eddie sits back down next to Buck on the bed and take his face between his two hands and starts talking very quietly.

“There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you Evan, and at some point, you have to start believing me when I say it, because it’s the truth. I’m going to get some water and then I’m coming back to bed and we’re going back to sleep because I did sign up for this, and so did you, _and I’m not leaving you. I’m always coming back. I love you._ ”

Buck knew he was in trouble when Eddie broke out his actual first name, and the tension in Eddie’s shoulders as he got back up and walked out the room were a pretty good indicator of his mood, along with the dead calm in how he had spoken. He knew he should probably feel chastised by how Eddie responded, but instead he felt relief. Eddie was always coming back.


	7. Chapter 7

Buck knew he wanted to apologize to Eddie for intentionally picking the fight the night before. When he had come back to bed with water for them both he hadn’t said another word, just gathered Buck close, putting his head on his chest so Buck could hear his heartbeat. Buck woke up in the same position, rested. Everything was normal, but Buck still felt like it could be better. Every time he thought he saw an opening to make that happen Eddie moved the conversation. Buck let him, at least for the morning, because had a plan for later.

And in the meantime, he needed to talk to his sister.

Talking to Abuela had given Buck the boost of confidence he needed to tell Maddie what he’s pretty sure she already knows. Abuela had also reminded him that perhaps the people who love them were more aware of his and Eddie’s feelings for each other than even they had been.

Maddie picked him up, Buck had convinced both Maddie and Eddie that he could handle going with Maddie to get coffee, and if he didn’t get out of the house he would go entirely stir crazy, and Doctors offices didn’t count.

Not that Maddie would let him stand in line or order for himself, but he was not going to let himself be bothered by it, she was right not to let him.

Was this what maturity felt like?

“Okay Buck, one ridiculously large coffee for you and one caramel latte for me.”

“Thanks, Maddie.”

“Not a problem. I also got a pastry to share, which of course means mostly for me, but I’ll say you ate it to anyone who might ask. So, what did you want to talk to me about outside of Eddie’s earshot? Everything going okay with you staying there?”

Buck knows his sister well enough to know that she is asking him one question with the literal meaning of her words and another with the way she is asking it. She’s perched on the edge of her chair, holding her head in her hands with an enormous grin on her face. Buck had told Eddie he was pretty sure Maddie already guessed, but now he knows she knows.

“I think you know everything is going just fine Maddie.”

“So, what could it possibly be?” Maddie is grinning like a cat who got into the cream and its making Buck a little nuts.

“You are the worst. Eddie and I are dating, Maddie. Have been for the past month. I’m telling you first. Eddie told his grandmother yesterday. Christopher was on to us two weeks ago and somehow hasn’t told anyone else.”

And with his exciting news out, he picked up his coffee and took a big sip, waiting for the victory lap he was sure Maddie was about to take.

“Oh, that’s where you’re wrong, my precious almost nephew told me that he caught you two kissing on the couch when I picked him up from school for you that week. You are well and truly busted.”

Buck can feel his eyebrows crawling up his face. Chris ratted him out to his sister. That kid was going to pay.

“He told you? Who else did he tell?”

“No one, when he told me it was because I had asked if you all had a good movie night and he recounted the evening including trying to get you to give in to a second bowl of ice cream when he caught you kissing. I told him that was not his news to share, so we should keep it a secret until you and Eddie decided to tell us. He understood and as far as I know hasn’t told anyone else. I figure my phone would have been ringing if he had. Chim doesn’t know, if that’s what you’re worried about. I followed my own advice.”

“Well okay. Then you’ve been hinting this whole time because you were trying to get me to break.”

“No, I was hinting as much as I’ve been hinting for months, trying to tell you it was okay to tell me. How come it took you so long to tell me, anyway? And seriously, only a month? I really thought it was at least two with the way you two look at each other.”

“What way… you know what I’m not even asking how we look at each other because I don’t want a reenactment. First, we were keeping it to ourselves because it was new and everyone’s… well… everyone. Then I got a little in my own head about it since this is Eddie and that makes it serious.”

“But you’re happy?”

“Stupidly happy.”

“Then I get to tell you how happy I am for you. This is good. In love is a very good look on the pair of you. Tell me everything.”

Buck told his sister all of the details he had been saving to tell her. Abuela was right, this feeling after the telling was worth the nerves of getting through sharing the news. He was going to carry this warm feeling into the next item on the day’s agenda: getting Eddie to let him apologize.

“Eds, will you come nap with me? I think another one is inevitable.”

“Caffeine crashes are very real. Of course I’ll join you, go lay down I’ll be right there.”

Buck is pretty sure that Eddie is expecting him to go to the couch, where he’s been spending his afternoons. Instead he heads down the hall to the guest room and waits.

“Ev, where are you?”

“In here.”

“Why? I thought you said you wanted me to come lay down with you?”

“I do.”

“So why are you in here? Our bed is over there.” Eddie makes a comically large gesture over his shoulder to the door across the hall.

“Well, there’s a bed and a television in here, seemed like a good compromise. I don’t expect that you’re going to fall asleep too.”

That wasn’t Buck’s only reason. Eddie had called the living room neutral territory, but Buck thought the only truly neutral territory in the house was the guest room. If this conversation went poorly at least they wouldn’t be fighting in their bed, but in a room they could ignore for awhile until they got over it.

“Honestly, I might. Didn’t sleep great last night.”

When Eddie joins him on the bed, he takes the opportunity to pull Eddie down to him, kissing him deeply.

“Buck, I thought you said nap.”

“I did, and I am going to. But I wanted to kiss you, so I did.”

Eddie nods, and starts to position himself so that Buck can use him as a pillow, but Buck shakes his head.

“Nope, come here.”

Buck reverses their positions from the night before, settling Eddie’s head at the juncture of his own shoulder and chest, wrapping his arm around him and gently playing with the hair around his ear.

“Too much of that and I’ll be asleep before you.”

“I’m okay with that.”

Buck takes in the quiet, the comforting weight of Eddie curled up against his side, the soothing feel of Eddie’s hair around his fingers, and builds up his resolve.

“Eds, you still awake?”

“Mhmm.”

“I’m sorry I tried to kick you out of our room last night.”

“Its okay, you were coming out of a nightmare, not yourself.”

“That wasn’t all of it. When I get scared, I push people away, and between the nightmare and talking to your grandmother about us I think some of my worst habits came rushing out last night, and I’m sorry.”

Eddie takes a minute to just breathe, to focus on the feeling of Buck’s fingers running steadily through his hair. He can hear his abuela in his head reminding him he needs to be gentle with Buck. and its honestly the easiest course of action, because he’s already forgiven it.

“You don’t have to apologize; I had gotten over it by the time I came back from the kitchen.”

Eddie cranes his neck a bit, trying to catch Buck’s eye, the other man meets his gaze and then gently pushes Eddie’s head back to where it was. Eddie can interpret that move easily, its one of the standards in his own personal arsenal – Buck is feeling a little too exposed.

“Your shoulders definitely looked like they hadn’t gotten over my outburst. I can tell when I’ve pushed you too hard, your shoulders go rigid and your jaw gets very tense.”

Buck has a few images in his mind, mostly from the time surrounding the lawsuit and when Eddie was fighting.

“You aren’t too much trouble, Ev. I was really fine, and I’m fine now.”

“Sure thing, Eddie.”

Eddie can hear the sarcasm even as he feels the vibrations coming up through Buck’s chest, but he knows they’re okay to continue because Buck’s hand is still in his hair, his fingers still moving in the same rhythm.

“I mean it, I know I’m as guilty as anyone for making you feel like you‘re exhausting, but you aren’t. I was lashing out when I said it in the grocery store, I was mad and I was hurt and I _missed_ you desperately, and already a little in love and didn’t know how to feel all those things at once so instead I yelled because punching something wasn’t really an option right then considering Bosko had just bailed me out, literally.”

Buck lets them lay there in the quiet for a bit, thinking about what he wants to say next.

“I told Maddie that there must be something wrong with me because everyone always leaves me, after Red died, actually, I might have yelled at her a bit, I don’t really remember that part. Anyway, I said that there was something fundamentally wrong about who I am because people leave me. So sometimes I get obnoxious because then I can tell myself I chose to push someone away instead of accepting that they chose to go. But I don’t want to push so hard that you actually go, ever.”

This is the thing he wanted to say, he wanted Eddie to know about that the instinct to push him away when he’s upset. If they are going to make this whole relationship thing work long term, they need to be honest about their shortcomings.

“I know.”

But a two-word acceptance was not what Buck thought was going to be the response. He lets it sit there, hanging in the air, wanting Eddie to explain further but not wanting to ask for the clarification, wanting to let Eddie get there himself. Eddie starts speaking again after a few minutes pass.

“Here’s the thing about me, about us. There are probably going to be times when it feels like I’m leaving you, that I’m emotionally or physically not there for you. I’ve done it in the past, so there’s no reason to think it won’t happen again. And I can hear your brain getting ready to internalize that as something wrong with you, and it isn’t. It’s something _I_ do that I’m working on. Do you remember what the last thing I said to you last night was?”

“That you’re always coming back?”

“Yes. I’m always coming back. I’m always on my way back to you even when I’m standing right next to you. I’d be lying if I said you weren’t _a lot_ , but that’s a good thing, you have a big heart and a big personality and those are the things I love about you. So even though they might sometimes overload my circuits, I’m always going to want to be near that, to be with you. Even when my shoulders get all tight and weird and I hold my jaw like I’m tasting something bad. That’s how Chris tells me it looks, at least.”

Eddie feels Buck’s laughter before he hears it, and both are welcome.

“Chris is a very observant kid. You do look like you’re tasting something bad when you’re trying not to be mad.”

“Great, another thing you two can gang up on me about.”

“You should be used to it by now, Eddie.”

“I have a feeling I’m going to have a long time to get used to it if I hadn’t already.”


	8. Chapter 8

They had gotten their routine under control, Buck and he had made the physical rearrangements he needed so that he could move comfortably around the house and get everything he needed without feeling like he needed too much help. They had the relationship stuff worked out, or if not completely worked out at least they were on the same page again, and to Eddie that felt most important of all. But there was still something lurking, and he was pretty sure it would explain why Buck woke up in fear every night.

This was their last night before Chris came home and Eddie thought there was one more conversation that he and Buck should have without ten-year-old ears listening in.

In the meantime, he had date night to set up.

The sound of music came drifting down the hall, accompanied by the sight of Eddie in the doorway.

“I’m here to pick you up for a date.”

Buck was struck by the sight of his handsome partner leaning on the doorframe dressed in slacks and a button up open at the neck. How he wanted this man.

“I knew you were up to something.” Buck had gotten very specific instructions about taking a shower and getting dressed in the guest room, and there just so happened to be all black sweats and shirt on the bed waiting for him.

“I wasn’t being sneaky about it, Ev, but my options were a little limited.”

“So, what are our plans?”

“A classic – dinner and a movie.”

“So, a typical Friday.” Buck couldn’t help it.

“But on Thursday and dinner is candlelit. C’mon, its waiting for you.”

Buck didn’t know what he was expecting but twinkle lights in the backyard caught him off guard and warmed his heart.

“I didn’t know you even had a tablecloth, Eddie.”

“That would be because I didn’t, I called in an assist.”

“Abuela?”

“Maddie.”

“When?”

“When I was walking her back out to her car earlier. Thanks for not warning me that you were going to tell her about us, by the way. She’s frighteningly strong, she nearly tackled me with a hug.”

“Seemed fair after the Abuela incident.”

“Could we not call it that, please? But yeah, she told me if we ever need anything to let her know, babysitting Chris, whatever. I told her in the short term I needed a little help setting the mood for date night and she dropped off a care package on the porch for me. You’ve really got a good sister there, you know?”

“I do know. Does that mean Maddie was in charge of what we’re eating?”

“It means Maddie picked up the Thai takeout for me. Go ahead, sit.”

It wasn’t until then that Buck realized he was still standing at the back door, staring at the small table surrounded by lights with a candle lit.

“You weren’t kidding about candle light, huh?”

“I was not.”

Buck pulled Eddie towards him, balancing between his crutches and Eddie, kissing his partner with all he had, delaying their dinner by another few minutes.

It was just the kind of evening that Buck was afraid they had lost when they were driving home from the hospital. This was the _good_ , the _interesting_. He and Eddie were curled up on the couch watching a classic movie he had never seen before. He was blissfully happy.

“You comfortable?”

“Yeah Eddie.” And to prove his point he snuggled in closer.

“I want to ask you something, but I don’t want to spoil the mood.”

“Okay.”

“Seriously, you don’t have to answer but I’d like to clear the air and be done with it.”

“Eddie, if I promise not to be mad will you just ask already?” Buck pauses the movie, figuring that will get Eddie to take him seriously, “you have exactly 90 seconds before I turn this back on and resume our romantic date night.”

“Why have you been so against taking your pills? I just want to understand.”

Eddie watches Buck’s face, trying to find little ticks that might tell him what he’s afraid Buck won’t put into words, he really doesn’t want to push but he is convinced solving this mystery will mean helping Buck get a decent night’s sleep.

“I don’t like taking them during the day because of how they make me feel.”

“How do they make you feel?”

Buck tries to find the right words, finally giving in to the idea that he won’t be able to. “Everything feels muted, my brain feels like its wrapped in cotton.”

“You’ve been on painkillers plenty of times, is there another one we should ask the doctor for that you have a better reaction to?”

“No, they all make me feel like this. At least I’m not on blood thinners again, those were the worst.”

Eddie can understand not wanting to feel like you don’t have complete control of your own mind. But there’s more here and he’s hoping that he’s coming at it from the right angle.

“But you’ll take them at night? I want you to be able to sleep, I’m a little worried about the night terrors since you’re having them every night.”

“I’ll keep taking them, but I don’t know that they’re making that problem any better. Between not feeling like I can control my limbs and the sense memory of being on them last year, its freaking me out.”

Oh, apparently, Buck was being completely honest. “And the others really do bother my stomach, I wasn’t lying about that. I just wanted to enjoy a meal.”

“Okay. That all makes sense, I understand. Turn the movie back on.”

“Seriously, that’s it? Nothing else?”

“No, nothing else, now I know and I’ll only remind you about the pain pills when it looks like you really need it because night terrors are fucking awful and anything that feels like them it makes sense to avoid.”

“Just like that?”

Before answering Eddie leans in and kisses him.

“Ev, it’s just that I love you. So yeah, just like that. But I do think we should ask your doctor about alternatives at your next appointment because being in pain is also not acceptable. Turn the movie back on, its date night.”

No one else calls him Ev, and it makes him feel safe, and loved, and seen. It makes him feel like he belongs to someone.

He could listen to Eddie say, _Ev, its just that I love you_ for the rest of his life and never be tired of it, or the man saying it.

**Author's Note:**

> This work is up without a beta read, please be kind. :) Also the first thing I've written for Buddie. 
> 
> Title from Cam Cole's song Myself https://youtu.be/fQV7VSecjl4


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